nobody knows where you are living. nobody knows where you are.

warning: i am about to get really personal... maybe more personal than i should on a blog...but, i am feel'n it.

so for about 2ish years i have really had problems with confidence. i have been thinking a lot about this for the past couple months. i have been thinking of how it started and most importantly, how i can overcome it. it is really sad to admit that you have lost all value in yourself and think everything and everybody is better than you. it causes a lot of (obvious) other issues, like jealousy and envy.

tonight, i talked to God a lot about it. i feel better. he is going to help me.

i realized its more of a heart issue, or a product of a heart issue. its amazing how people can break your heart - the byproducts of that break can really screw you up.

psalm 34:18

if your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.

if you want more love, why don't you say so.

i care a lot about school. in fact, its almost at an obsessive level. i am paying so much for it, that i think the obsession is okay. i have a professor that can seriously be classified as crazy. she is extremely knowledge, arguably an expert at what she teaches (sociology of education), but she is crazy. discussing concepts in class is not really an option because she will shoot down anything anyone says and make you feel dumb in the process. if you ask questions about assignments she gets upset and says "i don't want to do it for you"... i could go on, but i think you understand what i'm dealing with. i thought i was "safe" from her craziness, since i got an A on my first paper.... i was wrong. yesterday, i came to speak with her about my part of a group presentation next week. she wanted to me with all of us and check our outlines.... the first thing she told me when i walked in the classroom is that she was disappointed in me. it only got worse. she went on to say that i did not do the outline how she would have, that she cant believe how much help i needed, etc.... this was all said in front of my group and classmates. rude. thankfully (sort of), i wasn't the only one she ripped apart... it was terrible nonetheless. i thought about leaving and not staying for class... but i care too much about my grade.

it is really hard to love people like her... that are so condescending and hate everything... but i am supposed to. i wrote her an email after class- i wanted to be rude, but thats not what i'm about. she wrote me back and apologized (in her own way).

i am excited about today. i am not doing any school work...which is really a bad decision... maybe i will be some reading... but thats it! my room mate and i are taking a trip to the suburbs, which sounds lame, but is needed sometimes.

when our lives don’t go the same way that they used to and i finally get a moment to myself.

1. i wish i got paid to write papers.

2. i think people with a slight overbite are interesting looking.

3. i ate taco bell for the first time since christmas break today. (i decided it was ok since i have running so much) it was awe-some.

4. i like body spray more than perfume.

5. someone i tutor with took a picture of what i was wearing for a project on current fashion... i still "have it"... i have thought i lost "it"... (finger crossed that my picture is not under fashion faux pas- embarrassing)

i never date models. i think they are stupid.

i was reading my last post and i think i should make a clarification...

i, by no means meant to discount the call for Christians to love. obviously, it is central to living life as a Christ follower. i simply meant, that sometimes in the emphasis on love, the reason behind that love is lost. being a Christian, to me, is more than a socially just lifestyle- many people believe in that, the Christian's difference is Jesus. there must be some belief behind the love.

on a completely different note, i have decided not to eat dessert(s) until my spring break. chocolate chip cookies are all i can think about. i have an addiction... or maybe i just always want what i can't have... (thats deep)

desire finds it's way home to you. design by your grace we live on.

"paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures,concerning his Son, who was descended from david according to the flesh and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord,through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations..." Romans 1:1-5

"our calling is not primarily to be holy men and women, but to be proclaimers of the Gospel of God. the one thing that is all important is the the Gospel of God should be realized as the abiding reality. reality is not human goodness, nor holiness, nor heaven of hell; but Redemption ; and the need to perceive this is the most vital need of the Christian worker today...."

-oswald chambers

since moving to this city, i have realized a lot about myself and people. it is sad to say, but i have never been in close relationship with so many self proclaimed non-believers. when i say self proclaimed, i mean they make sure to let everyone know they hate religion and especially think Christianity is stupid. people here know why they don't believe- something i never had to deal with back home. it has been interesting, nonetheless to go to school and work with people that live their lives not even close to the way i live mine. i find it so odd that essentially i have been trained for this- to live among and love the sinner, but i would argue that the way i was trained has no relevance for the reality of proclaiming the Gospel. i feel like there has been this whole movement, for many years now about love. love is all you need when you are a christian. if you love the sinner, that is showing them to Gospel. i think love is important, don't get me wrong, but i believe there is more in sharing the Gospel than just loving someone and hoping they will ask you about why you love. i have found that people want truth. they want you to be honest, real and knowledgeable about you believe- even if that means you believe in things that are not pleasing to share (ie. hell). most people i speak with would say that happiness is the reason for life- happiness in the sense of value. they are very humanistic. to talk about a life that is lived for something greater does not make sense to them. what i have found is that even if it does not make sense, they see i am not only trying to love them but can talk about it- that i actually believe in things like the bible, prayer and Jesus. it is sad that the only thing many Christians can believe in is love. i encourage you friends, to live out your faith in a real way, to actually believe in what you say you are. Jesus did what he did on the cross "to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all nations."

now the world can be an unfair place at times. but your lows will have their compliment of highs.

2 things...

1) i have been volunteering at a shelter here; doing art projects with the kids that live there. it is heart breaking. i would say 80% of the people at the shelter are children... can you imagine not having a home as a child... i feel like all my memories are wrapped up in my home/neighborhood. it is really a hard thing to do... i want to take all the kids home with me!

2) if you ever thought drugs were cool, move to chicago... you will change your mind instantly. almost every time i ride the bus (which is everyday) i hear someone talking to themselves/the people on the bus about God knows what... seriously, it is insane. don't do drugs please.

its definitely not a nashville party. cause all i see are stilettos. guess i never got the memo.

my new thing is taking pictures of interesting things i see throughout the day...

this past weekend was the best one i have had since moving here. two friends from college came up for a visit. it was so nice. i realized my life has been pretty drama-filled since moving to korea... i wish i could elaborate but i don't exactly know what the cause of the drama was... the girls, conditions or korea. at any rate, i felt like myself again.

i am planning on running the nashville half marathon in april. i'm pretty pumped about it. i love running. the chicago marathon is in the fall, i will so be ready for it!

anyway you run, you run before us. black and white horse arching among us.

1) snow is really annoying.

2) having a tv in the house makes doing work almost impossible.

3) i hate doing laundry.

4) meat is grossing me out.

5) running in cold weather makes my lungs hurt.

6) mad men is a good show.

7) surface friendships are my new thing, so it would seem.

8) i want to start reading (at least) one chapter of a non-school related book before i go to sleep.

9) i really love sleeping.

10) i have contracted the "my feet are always cold" disease.

11) vanilla rooibos tea lattes are bomb.

12) i wish i understood art ( ie joseph beuys "coyote") in time for a class discussion tomorrow.

only love is all marron.

these are some photos i have taken throughout the week. (minus the moon one... but i love it... all things "night")... welcome into my chicago life.

we don't need to say goodbye. we don't need to fight and cry.

listen up boys. this may help you in figuring out girls...sort of.

it is really hard for me to not read into everything i hear/see, when it comes to the opposite sex. it is a problem. somehow, i make up these elaborate stories which either make me angry or upset, but more so upset. i can tell when my mind is beginning to go down this road because i start starring (usually out a window) for a long time, running over and over again what was said or seen. i have to literally tell myself to stop. this sounds sort of psychotic (trust), but i have realized this is how (many) girls operate. we think about things until it doesn't make sense anymore, and in turn start making things up. i think we do this because its easier than just asking, because knowing the truth makes it real (because obviously the truth is the worst thing we can think of (note ths sarcasm, please). i hate when i do this, as i would say all girls do. it just sort of happens, and sometimes as its happening, i'm like what am i doing... i was talking to my room mates about this last night. we decided that being conscious of the "craziness" is the first step in ending the problem. we all want to end the problem.

boys, i do not know why we are so crazy sometimes. i know that all boys want is to have a cool girl- meaning no drama. all girls are drama, i'm sorry. please love us anyway.

but there's one thing we've got going and it's the only thing worth knowing. it's got lots to do with magnets and the pull of the moon.

this week is finally done... monday through thursday are rough. i go to work in the morning and school at night... shoot me. every morning i lay in bed and think of ways to not go, but when i get there i like it. such is my life- always.

good things about the week (so far)

- class discussion on monday made me feel smart

- LOST has begun. i decided it is my favorite show ever. almost as great as the show is reading blog/discussion boards after the show. (i am a nerd) i could spend hours reading them. gosh, i love this show.

- it snowed tuesday but did not stick because its too warm (meaning 30 degrees)

- i have talked to my brother 3 times this week. i love him.

- i am officially doing the bilingual/bicultural teaching and learning program (i will have 2 master degrees by the time i'm done...holla)

- i got an A on a paper from a teacher who does not give A's (she pulled me aside and told me this after she told me that she enjoyed reading my paper)

kisses.