the best i ever had.

"dont ever tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody."

i finished reading catcher in the rye tonight. im surprised i still liked it after all the hype i heard about it. the ending was my favorite part, obviously from the quote above.

i wish i had more time to write about this, but i have to go to this thing tonight. i dont want to go. i dont want to go at all.

the dream is over.

i have noticed that a lot of people in chicago talk to themselves... and by a lot... i mean, i come across at least 1 a day. these people are literally talking out loud and even making gestures with their face and hand. for instance, today i was sitting across from a lady on the bus who was talking so loud that at first i thought she was on a cell phone... but, no... she was talking to... i dont know. it wasnt like this lady was weird or homeless or something like that. she looked like someones mom. it was weird. last night, on the other hand, was a different story... so i was sitting in a coffee shop (surprise surprise) and this older dude sits next to me. i thought it was a little weird seeing that there were tons of available "comfy" chairs... but i kept reading my book and eavesdropping on a blind date... so then all of the sudden i hear this guy talking. i turned toward him because i couldnt tell if he was talking to me. he wasnt. all he kept talking about was "getting the money" and other mafia-ish things. it was strange and made me feel extremely uncomfortable. then he got up and put some sugar and cinnamon on his hands and licked it. it was funny because i wasnt the only watching this guy. i watched others around making insane faces, almost like they were insulted he was in the place. this coffee shop is sort of in a snobby area, so if anyone "different" walks in, i noticed they all stare at them disgusted until they leave.

chicago life is getting better. i still dont "like" it here, but i dont want to throw myself out of a building anymore. i started running constantly this week and i think its helping. i have been running 6 to 7 miles, which means im out of the house for at least an hour. its been good. i am thinking more clearly- for someone like me, this is a good thing.

i started reading catcher in the rye. it has taken me about 3 years to do this. i dont know why but i could never get into it. i must say, i like it- as trendy as it is to like, i do. i love how im reading into holden caulfields mind or something. im not done, but so far its a "gorgeous" book.

now your drowning in your own saliva.

i woke up this morning feeling expectant- maybe its because im in a new place or maybe its because i have felt korea has come to me or maybe its because i had dreams that seemed so real to me (i still remember them now... if you still remember your dreams after hours of being awake it makes what happened in them seem so real).
yesterday, my roommate and i connected with someone we lived with in korea. i am so glad we did this. a lot transpired between us and this person- my heart always felt heavy when i thought of her. so, we connected and decided to pay her a visit. memories of korea flooded me- i felt like i was in my old apartment last night. we even talked with a former student. i wanted to cry after we hung up because i missed him so much- i missed my old life so much. i missed hearing about how insane the school is that i worked out, how things are never organized, the drama of what teachers came back and ones who didnt... and then of course, the secret couple drama.
anyway. today, i feel good- i feel normal.

in adam all die

i still do not have a lap top, but my trips to school are becoming more frequent. all that to say, i have more than 15 minutes to be on the internet (note, the public library in chicago has insane rules and insane computer time limits).
today was a hard day. i actually woke up in a good mood this morning. i usually dont. i try and force a smile and good thoughts. that lasts about 15 minutes and then.... well.... the process continues all day.
my roommate and i went to the chicago public school system office to try and get a job as a sub or something of the nature. it was a terrible experience. people were so rude and it didnt even make sense. we were told nothing we have done in the past amounts to anything to them. some of them laughed at us. the only thing we could do is volunteer. i would love to volunteer, but i have to make money. i hate feeling the pressure of having to make a certain amount of money to live. i guess this is all part of growing up. it sounds ridiculous really, i know that i live in a society where i have to make money- living is just so expensive. i hate money. i hate talking about money. i hate constantly thinking about it- and not in a way like i want things, but thinking about it so i can have enough to eat and pay bills. korea taught me a lot about money. i miss korea.
this post has a sort of depressed feeling. im not depressed. im actually hopeful. i dont know why- i feel like good things will come soon. i guess, i am fully aware of gods control of my life. he orchestrated all this before i was thought of. i trust him, i really do.
yesterday i was speaking with someone about god. i like talking about god. i said something to this person that was really bold. i didnt realize how bold it was until after i had said it. i shocked myself at the abrasiveness of my statement. " all people who have not accepted jesus christ as their lord and savior are going to hell." those of us who have been in church know this statement and we believe it but we would never actually tell a sinner this. i understand sensitivity. i guess i am just tired of hearing people justify their sin and in turn justifying the sin of a sinner (someone who does not know jesus). sin does not come from light. i could go on. i guess im saying that im proud. im proud, i actually said what i really believe. as harsh as that person took it, its truth.
tonight, im going to the library. i love reading.

i am currently in chicago, its where i live now... i have been here for two weeks. some days i love it and others i loathe (take note, loathe is deeper than hate) it. i guess this is how life goes. you want something so bad, you get it and then realize its maybe not what you dreamed it would be. that sentence could be written on my tombstone, hopefully under "wife, mother, and all around awesome woman (note, i hate the word woman... it sounds like something so harsh, old and settled)... anyway... i miss korea. i miss korea a lot. of course when my mind takes me back to my time spent there, i only think of the times i was really happy. but i was really happy there nonetheless. everytime i see an asian person on the street, the subway or the library i try to get real close to them. i try to smell them (note, i dont especially care for certain asian smells, but i miss them). i try to listen to them. i stare at them and try to place their origins. im weird. anyway.
i walk around a lot. im cheap and i would rather save money than spend it on a bus or subway. so i walk. i have seen so much of where i live by walking. i like it. i think a lot while i walk; i have come up with a (secret) goal to find as many bookstores as i can. i like to go inside these places with their distinct smell full of books, so many books that it would take all day to really see what was in it. i go to these stores looking for one book. its a pretty well known book, so i dont know why none of these places have it. i keep going in them though and after an hour of searching i finally ask if they have it and its always a no. i dont think i will ever read this particular book, but for some reason i keep trying. i miss my friend and i think this makes me feel close to him somehow. im weird.
anyway.
i walk by homeless people all the time. all the time. i hate it. i think i hate more than they are homeless, that i feel guilty every time i walk past them. i think of jesus and phrases in the bible that insist that i help these people. i hate that i have no cash or change ever. i hate that i stare at them and wait for them to ask me for money, only to say "no, im so sorry... i really dont have anything.. im really sorry." i feel guilty everyday. one day i was eating at a chinese restaurant. i usually do not like chinese food, but i miss asia. i was eating my greasy egg roll ( note, i try to never look inside an egg roll when im eating it because i hate, sorry loathe mushrooms, i know they are inside and i hate that eat them but not looking makes me feel like im not... ) so, i was eating my egg roll and in my no-mushroom bliss a lady walks in. this lady is homeless, i know i shouldnt judge but i deduced she was homeless by her clothing, smell of urine and outburst of "hey, im hongry, would ya pleaz give meh sum money- pleaz, i didnt have no brekfas". so, i stare at her, waiting for her to come to me. she does-" baby, god will bless ya, i know he will if ya jus give me sum money." i say my usual line of "im sorry, i dont have anything"- but then i realize i do have something. i wasnt going to eat all my orange peel chicken away. i will give her my chicken. so i offer her my chicken. she looks at me, turns up her nose and says " i dont like chicken" and walks away. what the heck. i thought she was "hongry". i still believe people begging on the street. my heart still hurts everytime i pass them. i still ask god to forgive me for not helping them.
anyway.