i am currently in chicago, its where i live now... i have been here for two weeks. some days i love it and others i loathe (take note, loathe is deeper than hate) it. i guess this is how life goes. you want something so bad, you get it and then realize its maybe not what you dreamed it would be. that sentence could be written on my tombstone, hopefully under "wife, mother, and all around awesome woman (note, i hate the word woman... it sounds like something so harsh, old and settled)... anyway... i miss korea. i miss korea a lot. of course when my mind takes me back to my time spent there, i only think of the times i was really happy. but i was really happy there nonetheless. everytime i see an asian person on the street, the subway or the library i try to get real close to them. i try to smell them (note, i dont especially care for certain asian smells, but i miss them). i try to listen to them. i stare at them and try to place their origins. im weird. anyway.
i walk around a lot. im cheap and i would rather save money than spend it on a bus or subway. so i walk. i have seen so much of where i live by walking. i like it. i think a lot while i walk; i have come up with a (secret) goal to find as many bookstores as i can. i like to go inside these places with their distinct smell full of books, so many books that it would take all day to really see what was in it. i go to these stores looking for one book. its a pretty well known book, so i dont know why none of these places have it. i keep going in them though and after an hour of searching i finally ask if they have it and its always a no. i dont think i will ever read this particular book, but for some reason i keep trying. i miss my friend and i think this makes me feel close to him somehow. im weird.
anyway.
i walk by homeless people all the time. all the time. i hate it. i think i hate more than they are homeless, that i feel guilty every time i walk past them. i think of jesus and phrases in the bible that insist that i help these people. i hate that i have no cash or change ever. i hate that i stare at them and wait for them to ask me for money, only to say "no, im so sorry... i really dont have anything.. im really sorry." i feel guilty everyday. one day i was eating at a chinese restaurant. i usually do not like chinese food, but i miss asia. i was eating my greasy egg roll ( note, i try to never look inside an egg roll when im eating it because i hate, sorry loathe mushrooms, i know they are inside and i hate that eat them but not looking makes me feel like im not... ) so, i was eating my egg roll and in my no-mushroom bliss a lady walks in. this lady is homeless, i know i shouldnt judge but i deduced she was homeless by her clothing, smell of urine and outburst of "hey, im hongry, would ya pleaz give meh sum money- pleaz, i didnt have no brekfas". so, i stare at her, waiting for her to come to me. she does-" baby, god will bless ya, i know he will if ya jus give me sum money." i say my usual line of "im sorry, i dont have anything"- but then i realize i do have something. i wasnt going to eat all my orange peel chicken away. i will give her my chicken. so i offer her my chicken. she looks at me, turns up her nose and says " i dont like chicken" and walks away. what the heck. i thought she was "hongry". i still believe people begging on the street. my heart still hurts everytime i pass them. i still ask god to forgive me for not helping them.
anyway.