i think the kids are in trouble.

this is what i woke up to this morning.

precious.

it was so clear to me, that it was almost invisible.

today, i spoke with two friends that reminded me of my self worth (unknowingly).

[i know that sentence was abrasive, but i didn't know another way of expressing what i needed to.]

sometimes, being alone with only your thoughts to keep you company can make you go places you never (with a capital n) needed to go (in your brain, of course). i don't think it has helped that i have been listening to owen on repeat... but its just so good!

i leave you with a non-owen song. the video and some of the lines of the song are lame, but i need to share it. if right now someone asked me to choose a song that described me, this would be it...

you can't miss what you forget.

i found a postcard a friend sent me a while ago - by a while i mean, maybe 5 years!

this is what he wrote at the end:

" again, i do hope you are well. i hope things have gotten better for you in a spiritual sense. God is faithful for those who seek him."

i was always so strong in my relationship with God. i somehow knew how to follow God and balance everything else. (this seems hard to me now) something happened to me in college. i went home for a christmas break and came back another person. (obviously events led to this "demise") i remember telling God that i needed a break. so, i took a break. people that knew me were shocked and worried, and rightly so. (this is where the postcard starts making sense...)

i have been trying to recover from this break for so long. all i want sometimes is to be the person i once was. i try, but it never lasts. i finally realized that person is not me anymore and most importantly that it's okay. God doesn't love me any less or more than he did then. that is so hard to really understand, so hard.

God is faithful for those who seek him. He is faithful. He remains the same. why can i not really, really believe this.

you bring the drinks. i will bring the bad news. everyone feels like you.

i bought eat pray love at the request of a friend about 3 weeks ago. i finished it in 2 days. needless to say, i really enjoyed it! i could relate so much to the main character, liz - in a weird way. i haven't been married. i'm not a writer. i haven't been with a boyfriend since i was 15. i am searching, trying to figure out who i am though. i feel like i am always searching...
since i can remember back, i have always seemed to align my interests and essentially myself with the boy in my life. like liz, i seem to be whoever i am "with" (i use with loosely).
i have tried to conceal this with a strong personality, subconsciously, i guess.
lately, i have been trying to figure out who it really is that i am. what are the things i really like? am i doing certain things to be like someone else or to gain someone else's attention, to get them to like me?
this is pathetic, i know.
i have written multiple sentences to place here but have erased them all. what more can i say really. i sound depressed. i am not depressed.
i have never known what i wanted to be or do. i hate when people ask me. when i graduated college, i said "i want to change the world." my purpose in that was to make people stop asking me questions, although i was being honest. i want to do something in my life that means something- not because that's what i think, that is what someone else wants me to do.
i am becoming myself (if that even makes sense), so that my life will mean something. maybe this is why i am always so lost feeling - myself was lost.
welcome into my brain.

i was attacked by some idiot in the projects.

i know i am late in viewing this video, but i had to post it. it is so funny and sad all at the same time.

i was at a friend's house tonight watching it. we were crying, we were laughing so hard.

enjoy ya'll!

lets run away and dont ever look back. don't ever look back.

my current obsessions:

- driving.

- when katy perry's "teenage dream" comes on the radio while i'm driving (i have no idea why i love this song so much, really).

- these clogs i got from nordstrom rack... i'm so current!

- i'm drinking at least 3 of these a day... am i nancy botwin now? (weeds reference, doi)

- following famous people on twitter.

- the daily show and chelsea lately.

- mixing body sprays (currently, warm vanilla sugar and country apple).

- reading blogs about my loves : interior design, fashion and baking

- texting not sexting.

- m&m blizzard mini's (i have only had one, but it was delicious and just the right amount).

- using the word "major"... like if i see something i like, i would say "that's so major!"...

sorry i didnt hear you. im kinda busy.

i returned from florida saturday night with a migraine. planes and car rides do not mix well with headaches that make you feel like you are about to die. i made it home without throwing up, but went straight to sleep when i got to my parents house (without unpacking; those of you who know me well, know that is unheard of- although, i did manage to wash my face. always.).

i am still in "vacation" mode... meaning, all i have been doing is catching up on tv shows and eating. tonight, i have to go running- have to. i totally slacked last week on my training. this weeks long run will be the furthest i have ever run in my life, 15 miles.

oh, i forgot to let you know....i will be speaking at critical questions in education 2010 conference!!! i got the email this morning informing me that my proposal (well, the proposal my prof and i submitted) was accepted. i am so excited and nervous...seriously, i have butterflies as i type!

more good news... my moms last session of chemo is tomorrow! hopefully, this will be the last of all things cancer for her.

you are coming home. are you still alone. are you not the same as you used to be.

i love space.

i saw these pictures and needed you to see them too. they are taken from the recent perseid meteor shower.

on a separate note... i just finished reading crazy love by frances chan. i am not a fan of christian books, but this one was laying around my apartment, so i picked it up. i am by no means advocating you go out and read this book, but there were elements i really liked. it wasn't cliche. it was truth, in fact, some parts were hard for me to read. i read this two days ago but can not seem to leave my thoughts... " you have a reputation for being alive, but you are dead. wake up! strengthen what remains and is about to die... (rev. 3:1-2). sometimes, i feel like i am dead. i am constantly questioning, doubting, doing the wrong things - dead. i don't know if this will make sense, but sometimes i can sense when people are praying for me. for the past couple of weeks, i have been so drawn to God. people have been praying for me. reading this scripture, from revelation none the less, has drawn me even closer to him. i am so thankful for a God that loves me all the time. i am thankful for friends who pray for me. may we all strengthen what remains and is about to die.

you're like a sunset.

i'm in the florida keyes with my family all this week. family vacations are tricky.

it is really hard to be around people 24/7.

i hope one day i can get married (in regards to my last statement, if you weren't following).

i have been watching a lot of the kardashians this week. (don't judge, but i love them) this makes me want to wear oversized sunglasses, dye my hair super dark, wear loads of eye makeup and lip gloss and date a basketball player or a rich douche bag (can i say, douche bag).

dont leave me high. dont leave me dry.

1. florida should not be allowed to have rain.

2. i recently got a pedicure (because i was going to the beach, duh) and the lady looked at my feet and was like "what happened?"... running ruins you.

3. pools are the best thing ever.

4. and this is the biggest news:

Registration Details

Confirmation #: 49958831-081010054522

Date & Time: 10/17/10

Location: Columbus (Map)

Purchased at: 08/10/10

Category: Marathon

Name: Diana Pugh