shiny and warm.head in a storm.i'm driving home to you.

i feel like a broken record writing about how busy i am... this past week, it seems has been busier than usual though. i worked a lot and observed/taught a 7th grade social studies. the working part is okay. i mean, how awesome can an hourly paid retail job be - right?! i was a little nervous to take this job, in that, i feel like i have "cured" myself of being super materialistic... a job where i actually like the clothes could steer me in the wrong direction. it doesn't help that everyone i work with is obsessed with looking a certain way/ maintaining a facade.

i want to be real.

being in a classroom was awesome. it reminded me of how much i miss/love teaching. this reminding was necessary. i was beginning to question my decision.

lately, i have been really thinking about God and my relationship with him. i feel like i have been living without him - if that makes sense. i guess what i mean to say, is i have not been acknowledging him. a couple days ago i found my mind slipping into a direction it didn't need to go in. i immediately began praying. it was then, i realized how long it had been since i talked with God, which lead to a whole host of thoughts. after 13 miles of thinking over all of this, (i don't know what i would do if i didn't run...) i think my problem is trust. it is really hard for me to trust God. sometimes, i feel like he doesn't want me to have certain things - things that i really really want. i feel like i have to be punished or something. sometimes, its really hard for me to believe and accept grace. sometimes, its just hard to believe but something inside of me can't not believe.

i want to share something that i read today. God spoke to me through this.

"it is much easier to do something than to trust in God; we mistake panic for inspiration. that is why there are so few fellow workers with God and so many workers for him. we would far rather work for God than believe in him. am i quite sure that god will do what i cannot do?"