strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard. their shadows searching in the night. streetlights people, living just to find emotion.

i am sick. this means, i have stayed in the house all day...which also usually means watching lots of tv, becoming tired of it, then finding old journals and reading them for hours...

i watched the way we were... well, i started it halfway through... i was disappointed... i didn't understand... why couldn't they just end up together... why did he push her away... i HAVE to watch this from the beginning...it left me upset (obviously) and with too many questions...

i read my documented life from the years 2001-2004... i was shocked at some of the things i wrote... i was a wise teenager(ish), but on the other hand, i was disgusted at some things i wrote, for example, i had just gotten back from visiting friends in minnesota and i said a) i could live there b) i like cold weather... double yuck! on the lighter side (as if that wasn't light enough), i wrote a list of things i was "realizing"... one was that i wanted to take ballet... mind you, i was 19 at the time... [insert all kinds of laughter here]... after going through the years 2002-2004 (which dealt specifically with a relationship i had with a boy) i realized i have a really bad pattern. i was reading some of the things this dude had said to me and i was in shock that i still do the same things today... along those lines, i was obviously younger when i was writing, but as i was reading i felt like i was way more mature then. i was dealing with problems that were real issues...most of what i wrote about was God and my relationship with him. spiritually, i was at a different place. for a long time, i thought that "place" was not a good one... but i was close with him and very disciplined in an effort to really understand God... i was emotional, yes... but i can not deny the devotion i had to God. tonight, i realized i have been putting so much focus on me- my life, school, friends, etc that my relationship with God is solely focused on me... and has little focus on jesus. this is sad- really sad.

i made some chocolate chip butter cookies... (don't get scared at the butter in the name)... they look nice but don't taste incredible... i think it was the chocolate chips i used (dark chocolate)... one day soon, i will make awesome cookies.

p.s. i am currently reading the stranger (thank you brandon and jesse's book collection- don't worry, i will mail it back). i love the style it is written, although it was translated from french (pss i love all things french)...so i don't know if that is really the style... i am half way through... a better review of the book is soon to come.