a calm heart will break, when given shake.

tonight... i am sad. i hate when i feel like i have lost friends (because i dont live in the same state as them). i like feeling connected to people. i like reciprocal feelings.

on a lighter note, i found a recipe for a chocolate chip pie tonight. i am going to make this in the near future... it looks so good!

distance makes the heart grow weak.

lately i have been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. my eyes or mind have become more aware of what is going on around me. i get overwhelmed by how many people are hurting and how many people that are just lost... lost. last night, in class, i was listening to people talk about the articles assigned that dealt with social justice issues in education- basically how social justice and education are one in the same. i heard many people speak so selfishly. it really broke my heart to hear people wanting to be a teacher solely because they cant find a job right now- or people who only wanted to work in homogeneous classrooms... i was blown away and... just saddened. i watched a man last night buy a coffee at mcdonalds with pennies. as he was counting i just wanted to swipe my debt card and pay for it myself, but i didn't. why can i never act on what i am thinking. i see all these types of people. people i could help in some way or another and i don't. and then i end up thinking about it for the next couple of days making myself sick that i do nothing.

on the other hand, i have been so encouraged on my walk with God lately. for the first time in a long time i am actively pursuing a closer relationship with him. i think really it took me so long to get over the fact that i had lost my way, in a sense. for a long time i was not acting in such a way that was "good" (holy, noble, upright...). i know God forgave me (when i asked for forgiveness) but i didn't feel forgiven. i felt like every time i would pray (etc) God would turn away from me because of my sin. it really hasn't been until lately i have (for lack of better word) received his forgiveness/ not felt condemned. it feels good.
i am now a youth leader at my church. i feel honored that God trusts me with this role.

every heart will see this hope we have in you.

i cant help but write about tonight... and really, i don't exactly know where to begin...this past week, i felt God working in my heart. i just haven't been sure of what he was doing... i don't know if you have ever felt that way...so, i have been reading a lot of different articles (that are hundreds of pages, literally) about being a teacher and the social responsibility that comes with that title. it has really put things into prospective for me. i am not just a teacher but a catalyst for change in peoples lives. i was feeling pressure. i even began to think on my years in korea and how i could have been better, more involved in my students lives. i have been feeling excitement mixed with a sort of heaviness at the weight of my "calling". tonight at church, something happened. all that i have been thinking on and feeling climaxed as i was singing this song in worship.

"Tear down the walls see the world

Is there something we have missed

Turn from ourselves

Look beyond

There is so much more than this

And I don't need to see it to believe it

I don't need to see it to believe it

Cause I can't shake this

Fire deep inside my heart

Look to the skies hope arise

See His majesty revealed

More than this life there is love

There is hope and this is real

Cause I don't need to see it to believe it

I don't need to see it to believe it

Cause I can't shake this fire burning

Deep inside my heart

This life is Yours and hope is rising

As Your glory floods our hearts

Let love tear down these walls

That all creation would

Come back to You

It's all for You

Your Name is glorious

Glorious

Your love is changing us

Calling us

To worship in spirit and in truth

As all creation returns to You

Oh for all the sons and daughters

Who are walking in the darkness

You are calling us to lead them back to You

We will see Your spirit rising

As the lost come out of hiding

Every heart will see this hope we have in You"

i began to see the big picture of my life, my calling. its to bring people to know christ. i started crying, like really crying and praying for God to make me love people more. God help me to love people more. i prayed that he would soften my heart. somehow, over time i have become so callused to the lost. i don't know when or how my faith became all about me, but it has. i want to be more like jesus so bad. i know my thoughts are jumbled but i wanted to document this night when my heart changed. my heart really changed tonight.

no one on the corner have swagga like us.

things are finally in "full swing" here. this past week has flown by. having things to do/ having communication with other people than the 2 you know has helped- a lot. im not so sad anymore. i love my classes. one is a sociology class-obviously it rules. the other is more of an introduction to teaching class. my teacher, who i must admit i have a crush on (note: he is fluent in 3 languages, has lived all over the world, interested in social justice and smiles with his eyes...not your average teacher) is taking a sociological approach to the class. teaching to him is a means to social justice. i am stoked!

last night i went to this "ladys night" at church. womens ministry is not usually my thing, since i am new at church i thought it would be a good way to meet people (plus there was free mexican food). it was pretty fun. we ate, got taught how to salsa dance (yes i actually participating and got called out for my apparent dancing abilities...please laugh, i did) and then a lady from california spoke about relationships. i am really conservative in what i think a womans role is and a mans role is in a relationship. i was surprised to hear this lady express the same views i had. i learned a lot about dudes last night- i think i finally have it in my mind that boys and girls think nothing alike, nothing...nothing.

on another more serious note...i have been thinking a lot on past friendships i have had. particularly friendships where i was a christian and they were not. i have this one friend, she was my best friend in high school (at the height of my "i just found jesus" excitement). we sort of lost touch after high school, which was probably more my fault. anyway, she has had a really hard time since then- really hard. i keep asking myself what i could have done differently as her friend who knows jesus. i am not blaming myself for her problems, but i wonder if i was a good representation of christianity. that makes me want to cry. its insane to think about... and i cant even put it in words... i want to represent christ well. i want others around me to love jesus as much as i do. i hope and pray the way i live will make others follow him.

my po-oh-oker face, my po-oh-ker face

i love when things come together and start making sense....
to be honest, i have been really bummed since moving to chicago. my thoughts have been consumed with money (lack there of) and feeling so alone. i have been questioning my decisions- decisions i have made for the past 3 years...
anyway.
last night, God reminded me of how stinking ah-mazing he is. i have been going to this church for about 3 weeks here. i love the feeling i get when im in church. i love being with fellow believers... i just love church...as un-post modern as that is. i didnt get some insane revelation from God last night but i did have a really nice talk with him. i needed that. when i got home, after i watched the vma's (oh my gosh... i secretly think kayne is cooler for what he did... i mean who does that... although i do love taylor swift (sorry but i do)... it was just a bad a move...) i started watching this documentary (i love documentaries) about adolescence. it moved me. really. i even started crying, although i tried not to. it made me realize that what i am doing here has a purpose and that i really am passionate about it. i feel better to say the least... another praise report is that i have 2 different tutoring jobs. i will be working 20 hours a week- which isnt bad. also, the hours rule-and no weekends...holla! so, im stoked.
God is so in control. Amen.

i get lonely a lot.

currently

watching: viva la bam (marathons)

listening to: grizzly bear and sunny day real estate (so much nostalgia)

worrying about: money... borrowing enough...paying it back

obsessed with: cleaning (specifically mopping the floor) and decorating my apartment (cheaply)

thinking about: how crazy jesus was (in the awesome way) and why people in chicago act like they just turned 21 every day

missing: korea (duh) and my best friend(s)

planning: my room mates 26th birthday dinner and a possible road trip in november

gained respect for: lil wayne (please watch the behind the music special...it will change everything)

i started school this past week. i was a little intimidated by the projects and the papers- for a minute i questioned if i really wanted to go through with this. i dont think it was because of the work load...i think it was everything. im spending so much to go through this program. i really want to be a teacher, but i was thinking i could go about that it in other ways than taking out a massive amount of loans. obviously, i am going to stick with this and probably love it later on. i guess... what im trying to say is... its so hard going from having friends to hardly any (that i actually have some sort of connection with). i miss lee sometimes. college is over. this is "real" life i suspect.

my baby is gone, you might have a chance.

as the below post indicates i went to a "party" last saturday night. i didnt want to go to start with but i felt obligated to since i have no friends here... i thought it would get me out of the house or a bookstore and give me the ability to meet people. what was i thinking.... so i get there with my 2 other friends ( friends from college/sk) and i immediately hear girls screaming in the bathroom. i hate girls that scream in the bathroom. they all come out in a pack and are talking about inappropriate things... well, things i find inappropriate... this is how the night begins, so you can only imagine how it progresses. i could go into a lot of other happenings of the night, but honestly it would bore me to recount them to you. basically, i learned two things from that night that obviously i will share with the maybe 3 of you that read this...
1. pushing 30 and acting like a 21 year old is not cool.
2. i have changed a lot since being in korea. i used to care about how i looked (not that i dont now, but i dont have to wear make up and take a shower before i leave the house or for that matter before anyone else sees me- this is huge, if you knew my southern belle mother. i was seriously socialized to think these things (looks) were most important). i used to care a lot about how people perceived me. i think thats why i had such a huge problem with alcohol. the more i drank the more people seemed to like me. insane. now, i dont much care to drink. if you want me to be honest, i dont really like alcohol.
these are two of the many ways in which i feel i have shifted over the past 2 years. my mind has totally changed- i have my one friend to thank for that. i guess the more you are around someone, the more they rub off on you. [sometimes i feel like i have the mind of a boy now]
i am reading a new book- the brief wondrous life of oscar wao. its really good. i am halfway done. i bought 2 books yesterday at my favorite used bookstore in wicker park. the people that work there suck, but i love it nonetheless. i bought the bell jar and the adventures of tom sawyer. im skeptical of sylvia plath, but i feel like its one of those books you have to read.
one of my best friends from college is coming tonight or tomorrow. i am excited to see him. he is crazy and when i say crazy i really mean crazy. keep your fingers crossed for me.